Yesterday, I woke up with the feeling in my throat that I get before I’m about to be sick, you know, the beginnings of a sore throat. I knew it was just energy manifesting, because other than that I felt fine. So, I did what I sometimes do… I ignored it.

I had a pretty amazing day full of high energy, big decisions, and intense connection.

When I went to Mt Shasta a year ago, and especially later, when I broke my arm, I triggered and opened my root chakra. It was intense,  very painful, work.

Lately, I’ve been working on opening my second chakra, which so far, has been mostly pleasant.

Last night, as I was walking home alone at around 9:30 pm, I felt the presence of an agressive man walking behind me. (Or at least, I perceived him as such, I didn’t actually experience any aggression from him). Something about the tempo of his pace caught my attention. I suddenly realized I was quite alone. And I felt fear. 

I called for AA Michael, all the while observing myself, as I genuinely feared that this man would harm me. I watched myself feel anger for my female body, that it made me so vulnerable. The observer in me knew I was quite safe. I looked to the stars, felt my connection to Ashtar Sheran, and knew I am safe; yet, this fear was so present with me.

I choose to stop walking and stood across from a house with an open door, with people who I could hear, who I knew would hear me if I screamed. I let the man pass me, he turned a corner, and walked on in a different direction than I was heading.

I hated that I did that.

When I got home, I busied myself with other things, sent an email full of superficial worries to a friend, and decided to go to bed early, around 11. I felt sick again and hoped that I would feel better when I woke up. Instead, I woke up shortly, when my best friend who I am staying with came home. J crawled into bed with me and I felt like I would throw up.

She held my hand, her other hand pressed to the back of my heart chakra, soothing me. I love when J gives me energy work; her energy is so familiar to me, my body breathes a sigh of relief. My body says, “I know how to process this.” Realizing that made me realize that my body was FREAKING OUT because of all of the sexual energy that has been unlocked in me, since I opened my sacral chakra. My body literally doesn’t know what to do with the energy, so it’s just been building up in my cells, gaining pressure.

The urge to puke was imminent, but J’s hand on my back was a balm, her voice soothed me, as she talked me back into my body, through all the fear, and into the present moment. I felt her energy, so comfortable with sexuality, enter my body through our heart’s connection, and teach my body what to do. The pressure within subsided, as did the need to vomit.

Her quiet voice, speaking softly to me in the dark, opened my heart, and pain rushed out. She spoke affirmations to me, reminding me how loved  I am. As my pain came closer and closer to the surface, I cried, “I miss [the friend who is no longer friends with me]“. I cried and cried. J continued to speak affirmations calmly. No one would leave me. I cried, “How do you know?” More tears. J held me, and I settled into what appeared to be a sense of calm.

Later, as J’s sleeping breath soothed me, I too, tried to sleep. Instead, I was plagued with imaginings of bad things happening to me by men. I tried to stop myself, but I couldn’t. I asked myself, “Selene, WHY are you imagining these awful things, it’s NOT REAL.” My inward vision zoomed out from my mind, and I watched my 2nd Chakra, now wide open, vomiting the scary, icky things it contained. It was good to let go of those energies, but it was intense. No wonder I felt a need to throw up, since my energy center was in the process of doing it.

As I watch the dark globs of energy fly from my sacral place, I remembered.

I think I was 8 or 9 or maybe 11 years old. My mom and I were at some friends of her’s house. I didn’t know them and I don’t think we ever spent time with them again. My mom got drunk, too drunk to drive, so the wife encouraged us to spend the night. My mom could sleep on the couch, I could sleep with her and her husband. Not a big deal, I slept with people all the time (in bed with my mom, my Gramma, etc). Agreeing, my mom passed out on the couch. I was loaned a too big teeshirt, and crawled into the master bed, between the two of them.

For some reason, my big sister, my protector, wasn’t there.

I woke up at some point later. I felt his finger enter me. I don’t think, before this, that I even knew that I had a “hole” there. I didn’t know what was happening. It was a completely new and unusual experience. I didn’t even know that I “should” have been afraid. But I knew he was doing something he shouldn’t, because he was so careful not to wake his sleeping wife. She moved in her sleep, and he quickly retreated, not touching me for the rest of the night. (I think.)

The interesting thing about this childhood trauma is that I remember it. There are so many blanks in my memories, so many experiences that my mind chose to forget, so many times that I left my body for better places. Why did I always remember this one? Why was I so fully present, so fully in my body for THIS experience?

I’m sure there’s some spiritual lesson in there somewhere, but it alludes me.

I’m not silly enough to think that this one experience is the source of all of that fear of men. I wasn’t even really that afraid when it happened. I felt more violated by the orthodontist that that man. But in retrospect, as I got older, I came to understand. I was molested.

I think my woman’s body knew.

In 3rd grade, when I was 8, I hurt myself while playing during recess. I fell on a metal bar, saw stars, and bled a little on my underwear. Later, when I realized what had happened, I was extremely glad that no man got my hymen. No man deserved it.

I think, if I can hang on to that, I can let go of the traumas around my sexuality. Losing my virginity before I was ready, being touched inappropriately, being treated like a porn actress rather than a goddess . . .

None of them actually touched my sacredness.

And as I continue to release and heal my sexual traumas, my relationship traumas, and my fears, my sacredness can come forward.

Maybe, I will be able to engage whole heartedly with a man who I can see and experience as deserving of me and my special places.

So I embrace this healing work, even if it hurts, so much, because I want to express my purity more than anything else.

I want to live life as a realized Goddess.